Content of the material
- Related Stories From YourTango:
- 5. Dont make assumptions about what the other person is thinking
- 5. Listen To Each Other
- The second step to repairing the relationship after a fight
- 8. Try to empathize with each other
- If Possible Apologize Soon
- The fourth step to making up after a fight with your partner
- Meet Your Friend In Person
- Sending an email can cool things down
- 8. Communication Is Key
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5. Dont make assumptions about what the other person is thinking
Assuming something about someone will only make an argument worse, not better. It can seem like you aren’t trying to see their side of things, and it can result in miscommunication. Give the other person an opportunity to explain themselves so that you don’t need to read between the lines.Advertising
5. Listen To Each Other
Resolving your fight is a two-person job, so you both need to be working toward it.
Some fights can be beneficial to strengthening your relationship, so don’t assume the worst and think that you’re doomed!
By talking things out together, you’ll find out why you or your partner got so upset.
Listening is the key word here!
Don’t just talk about how you feel, but be prepared to hear your partner’s side of the story.
Doing this shows them that you care and that you’re aware of their feelings.
You’ll also probably find out more about them.
Pay attention and give them the respect they need, through eye contact and appropriate responses.
Ask them how they feel about things, why they think this has happened, etc.
If you argue about similar things repeatedly, now is the time to really dig deep and delve into the real issue behind the subject of your fights.
Don’t go in on the defensive…
They may say some things that you don’t necessarily agree with, but this exercise is proving that you listen to them and acknowledge how they feel.
It may seem hard at first, but don’t keep butting in to defend your actions. Wait calmly until they have finished and see if you still feel the need to justify what you said or did.
You’ll probably see things differently, so go in with an open mind.
Remember that this isn’t a trial – it’s two people who love each other and want to make their relationship work.
It’s a team effort.
The second step to repairing the relationship after a fight
Take the initiative to listen. Listening is one of the most powerful action steps that you can take toward resolving any kind of marriage problem, including making up. Although you may be tempted to explain some more, that will make things worse. Making up is a time for setting the problem aside, not getting back into it.
When your spouse is upset, listen to any continued attacks without defending, explaining, or counterattacking. This should prevent another argument flare up. Just listen. Don’t try to calm, don’t try to reason. Listen, listen, listen. Let him or her get it all out. Put issues of right or wrong aside. Put your hand on your mouth if you need to stop yourself from talking when you are listening.
People never complain because we listen to them too much.
8. Try to empathize with each other
The best way to make up after an argument is to acknowledge the other person’s feelings and opinions. Their opinions are just as valid as yours, and when you show that you care about their opinions they are more likely to do the same. Even if you don’t agree with their point, you can still love and respect them as a person – and that includes respecting their opinions.Advertising
If Possible Apologize Soon
It is best to apologize as soon as you can, if possible. There are some situations where apologizing is typically the best thing to do immediately and these are:
- You have accused someone of doing something which he has not done and you are wrong.
- You were not overly angry but it was just litte bit of anger, hurt, frustration and some other emotions were the reason and you didn’t apologize for this. So do not let them get in your way if you put these things aside, it can be easy for you to understand the situation and you will end-up with decision of a must apologize.
- Another reason to make up immediately is that the other person is willing to do so. It happens that the other person may avoid making up but if he wants to then do it now.
The fourth step to making up after a fight with your partner
Be agreeable. If your spouse is relatively calm, but is still making attacking statements, think about his or her statements and agree with whatever you can while continuing NOT to give apologies, defend yourself or give reasons. No doubt some part of what your spouse is saying is true. Be the bigger person by admitting it.
If you can’t do this, tell him or her that you need some time to consider what he or she is saying. Then go away until you can find something that you agree with. Although you may disagree with some or most of what he or she is saying, do not point that out. Instead, you need to find the part of what he or she is saying that is true.
This requires an open and loving heart on your part. A desire to connect more than a desire to be right. There are no rewards for being right. There are wonderful rewards for owning the truth about what your spouse is saying.
Agreement doesn’t prevent you from using boundaries to maintain your values and respect.
You’re calm and want to make up.
Your wife says that all you care about is yourself.
You think about that for awhile until you find something you agree with. Then, you respond,
“You know, I usually do think about what I want before thinking about what you want.”
“I can’t blame you. I don’t like it either when people don’t consider how what they are saying or doing affects me.”
That’s it. No apologies, no explanations. No counterattacks.
Remember to give your spouse time to process what you say. Don’t expect an immediate positive reaction. Walk away and give him or her some time.
It’s really hard to stay angry with someone who is agreeing with you.
Every time you sincerely agree with something your spouse says, you take more and more energy away from his or her anger. You also create a little more desire in him or her to cooperate with you. If you find it hard to think of how you can agree, Read my book called Connecting Through “Yes!” which has many examples for using agreement to end even severe marriage conflicts.
Meet Your Friend In Person
If it is possible, try to meet your friend in person. It is necessary because in this way you will be able to talk to each other while being face to face. Also, we know that the non-verbal actions make up a huge part of our conversation.Interested To know more about non-verbal communication? Then read, “The importance of hands in non-verbal communication.”
They play a great role in how we interpret each other’s actions and words. Meeting in person will be beneficial for you also as you will be able to clarify what you have done or said and can keep an eye on another person that how he responds.
Sending an email can cool things down
Sometimes it is easier to send an email to your friend after an argument instead of calling. This is fine as long as you take the time to talk in person in the future. To properly fix things, both of you need to listen to what the other has to say.
It is advisable to leave some time after the argument and sending the email. As we’ve previously mentioned, it is better to let things cool down a bit before you start doing anything. If you send the email right after the argument you might say things that you might regret after. Leave some time pass and then you can start composing your email.
If you choose to send an email, you need to bear in mind one very important thing: an email can be difficult to interpret. It does not provide as many clues to what the person is feeling, nor does it provide the tone of voice that is so useful in understanding another’s state of mind. An email is a good alternative to a phone call because it gives you more time to think about what you’re going to say. Because you’re actually writing your feelings, it is easier to read it again and see if something needs changing. When you send the message, keep some things in mind:
- Start the email by expressing your desire to work things out. Don’t bring up things that led to the fight. The purpose of the email after an argument is to simply fill the void, not to continue your argument.
- Use a little humour. Make fun of yourself or the situation, rather than talk about the problem you’re trying to solve. But becareful when using humour. If you’re using too much humour your friend could think you’re not taking things seriously and things could become even worse.
- End the email with a specific proposal to meet. Say something like: “What if we talk after work on Friday?” instead of “We’ll talk things through at some point”.
After sending the mail, do not let a long time pass without talking to your friend in person or by phone. If you try to resolve the situation through email only, things are likely to come to nothing and you may lose a friend.
- If your argument was with a romantic partner, it could be tempting to try “make-up sex” to make up after a fight. However, research suggests that this is a bad idea because it may end up rewarding negative interactions: you may seek out emotional drama because you learn to expect the “high” of after-fight sex. Researchers suggest that you make up first, before initiating any sexual activity.
- Conflict is natural, and so is anger. However, if you frequently feel afraid of the other person, if you are constantly made to feel like everything is your fault, or if the other person doesn’t express empathy and regret when they hurt your feelings, these could be signs of an abusive relationship. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, seek help.
8. Communication Is Key
Communicate how you’re feeling, as you’re both likely to be struggling with similar things.
This will help you both avoid things boiling over again.
Rather than bottling up your stresses, either about the relationship itself or the new goals you’ve set, you should discuss them.
This is a healthy way to work toward the results that you both want.
Again, remind yourselves that you’re sticking at this because you love each other and you’ll be able to get through the hard parts.
Prioritize the relationship in the sense of avoiding behavior you know will start a fight.
But don’t become a martyr who never sees their friends or is constantly treading on eggshells, as that’ll make things worse and you’ll become miserable!
It’s important not to do anything too extreme in an effort to make things better, as you’re likely to end up resenting your partner.
Imagine you’re on a diet – cutting back on unhealthy foods and exercising more is the equivalent of avoiding situations that will lead to a fight and spending more quality time together.
If you decided to totally give up carbs (the equivalent of spending time with your friends, for example), you’ll end up grouchy, frustrated, and will resent whoever suggested you do it in the first place!