Content of the material
- 1. First, make sure they want it!
- 4. Choose your words carefully
- Ask your partner how they like to be fingered
- 4. Experiment with different strokes
- How to Finger A Vagina: Internal Anatomy
- Rule #1: Lube
- 5. Be all ears
- 7. Penetration is a side, not the main dish
- Don’t be afraid to bust out the lube!
- 6. Be patient, but persistent
1. First, make sure they want it!
Babes, manual sneak attacks are assault. So please, for the love of consent, make sure your boo wants to be pleasured by your hand before reaching between their legs. K? And if goes without saying, but make sure you are also crystal clear about what you want in this department before a partner touches you too.
Some lines you might try:
- "I'd love to feel how [insert adjective such as hard, wet, slick, thick, etc] with my hand. Can I take off your pants and touch you?"
- "Do you want me to stroke you under your underwear?"
- "Do you want to take these [*gesture to underwear/pants*] off so I can tease you with my hands?"
4. Choose your words carefully
Certain words have an inherently higher value than others, and some words have more positive associations than others. For example, “lucrative” is a more powerful word than “good,” and “reasonable” is a more powerful word than “alright.”
Your goal here isn’t to inject big words into your sentences, but rather to arrange your sentences to ensure your meaning comes across precisely. In the process, you’ll come across as a better communicator, which will make you seem more intelligent and thoughtful, and therefore more trustworthy.
Ask your partner how they like to be fingered
As you’re trying touch techniques, you’ll want to check-in and see how your partner feels about what you’re doing and what they might like done differently. While it’s always wonderful to ask someone how they’d like to be touched, not everyone will have the language to explain that. It’s often easier to give a choice between two things, like “harder or softer,” “faster or slower,” “left or right,” etc. Not only does this not require too much thinking right at the moment, but asking for that kind of feedback allows someone to say what they want with less fear of hurting your feelings.
4. Experiment with different strokes
"Regardless of the shape of your partner's genitalia, using varied strokes is a great way to start off your manual activities," says Deysach.
If your partner has a penis, "try using long strokes up and down a shaft, twisting your wrist just a bit as your stroke," she says. "Or grip the shaft with both hands and use your thumbs to make circles on the underside of his penis, right at the frenulum [the edge of the head] where many people are super-sensitive."
If your partner has a vulva, try stroking from the top-down if your partner has a sensitive clit, and down-up if your partner likes more direct stimulation, suggests Sloane. "You might try moving your fingers in counter-clockwise circles, clockwise circles, and diagonally across the clitoris," she says. "And if your partner enjoys penetration and wants it, you might try fingering them." (Related: An Insider's Guide to Sleeping with Another Woman for the First Time)
P.S. Don't hesitate to get both hands in on the action. "You might try thrusting two fingers (or more) into your partner's vagina while using your other hand to stroke their clit. Or cupping your partner's testicles with one hand while stroking down the shaft with another," says Deysach.
How to Finger A Vagina: Internal Anatomy
The first thing to keep in mind is that not everyone with a vagina can orgasm from internal stimulation alone. There’s nothing wrong with them if they can’t, even though they may have heard many messages to the contrary throughout their life.
Orgasms or no orgasms, being fingered can still feel amazing. And it helps to know what’s going on in there, anatomically-wise.
Located about 2-3 inches up the front wall of the vagina, the G-spot is a popular target for the best fingering. It’s not a mysterious, magical button that produces orgasms on demand, but it does represent the exquisitely sensitive conjunction of the urethral sponge and the internal structure of the clitoris (which is a lot bigger and more extensive than it looks from the outside).
Stimulating the G-spot can produce some big, wet Os. And G-spots tend to like firm, repetitive pressure (with lots of lube, of course). That famous “come here” gesture is a great way to get there.
Sometimes known as the “deep spot”, its official name is the anterior fornix erogenous zone. Like the G-spot, it’s also located on the inside front wall of the vagina, but it’s higher up – right in front of the cervix.
You’ll need long fingers to access it, and it may help to have your partner pull their knees to their chest to shorten their vagina for an easier reach. Some people who don’t have G-spot orgasms do have A-spot orgasms, so lube up and give it a try.
The cervix is the deepest part of the vagina, very sensitive, and needs to be approached with gentle curiosity. Many people with cervixes can’t stand having them jostled in any way. Others, however, can orgasm from cervical stimulation. It’ll probably need gentler pressure than the G-spot does, and be very careful unless you know how your partner likes their cervix touched.
If they are open to exploring, you’re aiming for the firm, slippery bit that feels like the end of a nose. Try gentle circles around the tip of the cervix with the end of your fingers, or slow movements around the base of the cervix where it attaches to the vaginal walls. Both of these areas are highly concentrated with nerve endings, so slow, steady, and light pressure is the right place to start.
Rule #1: Lube
The biggest complaint of frustrated fingerees is that when it’s done poorly, it can be annoying or even painful. And the first step you can take to avoid hurting or annoying your partner is USING LUBE.
Good lube! Lots of lube! Replenished often! Vaginas don’t always lubricate themselves on cue, sometimes they only self-lubricate a little, and sometimes they don’t lubricate themselves at all, even when the vagina-haver feels very turned on.
Harsh, repetitive friction is to be avoided. Make sure those hands are properly slick.
5. Be all ears
And on that point… As things heat up, it’s important to tune in to your partner’s bodily response, the directions they give you and any sounds they make. If you switch up the rhythm or direction of your touch and things get quiet, course correct. If your partner moans, gasps, their breathing gets heavier or they let you know that they like what you’re doing, it’s safe to say you’re on the right track.
When it turns hot and heavy, move closer to your partner and allow yourself to get lost in their movements, pleasure and breathing. It’s never not important to be attentive to your sexual partner’s body language, but it’s tantamount for fingering. There is no advice that will serve you better than listening to your partner’s wants and needs, so make sure you take note.
Renato Marzini Getty Images
7. Penetration is a side, not the main dish
You’re going to have to wait until your partner is properly warmed up, but some people like some penetration as part of their finger play. Before you begin make sure to ask your partner if it’s OK for you to go inside. Once you slip a finger or two in, these are a few moves you can try out.
- A circular, swirling motion inside the vagina. This targets the sensitive area at the opening of the vagina.
- G-spot stimulation (the spongy area of tissue, found two to three inches inside the vagina’s front wall). There are a few G-spot techniques you can try but the most common is a firm, “come-hither” motion using a finger or two against the vagina front wall.
- Switch things up by slipping your fingers in the vagina, caressing the G-spot, then slipping them back out, up and over the clitoris. Repeat as necessary.
- Get handy: use the rest of your hand to caress and massage the clitoris and labia while your fingers move rhythmically in and out.
It’s important to check in with your partner about whether they like what you’re doing. Ultimately, this should be a joint effort, with you both working as a team toward your partner’s ultimate pleasure.
If you’re concerned about finding their G-spot, you can always use a toy specially designed to massage it. Sex toys with a curved or bulbed tip are made to target vibrations and pressure to the G-spot.
An avid multitasker? You might also want to take a rampant rabbit vibrator for a spin, these sex toys are designed to target the clitoris and G-spot simultaneously.
igor_kell Getty Images
Don’t be afraid to bust out the lube!
In addition to your fingering techniques, lube is one of the greatest things you can incorporate to enhance the sensations and pleasure for yourself or your partner. Whether or not there is penetration involved, lube keeps things slippery and smooth and helps avoid too much friction or chaffing which can quickly become uncomfortable. You can start by dabbing a coin sized amount onto your fingertips or hand and then rubbing them together (this just helps bring the lube closer to body temperature as cold lube can sometimes feel a little startling when applied onto the vulva directly out of the bottle). Feel free to add more and more as you go. Some people like just a little extra slide, and others like it really wet! Whatever you do, remember to reapply as needed to keep things slick throughout your sexy time.
6. Be patient, but persistent
You can’t always persuade your subject to give you what you want on the first try. If you’re unsuccessful, don’t resort to pleading, begging, or arguing. Instead, let the situation go, recollect yourself, and try again at a later time.
Your persuasive messages will linger in his or her subconscious, and the next time you bring up the argument, you have a chance to seem more reasonable (and more persuasive). Don’t abandon your goal, but do leave plenty of time between attempts.