When can I have another baby after losing one via C-section?

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What is best for the children I already had

I think a lot of times the question “should I have another baby?” results in an answer centered around what mom (or parents) want. Instead, you should make sure you are doing right by the kids you already have.

I recently had a mom tell me that they decided not to have a fourth because they needed to start giving the kids they already have the time and attention they deserve.

Consider the parenting level your kids need

Do you have a kid who will need a lot of parenting? Maybe you have a kid who will need a lot of medical support? Do you have a kid who has a disability? What about a kid who is wild, free-spirited or strong-willed or any other word used today to mean they will be your most challenging child?

If you think you already have a kid who will need a lot more time and energy than your other kids, then you might want to factor that into your decision. Is it fair to the kids you already have to have another baby? Remember, each extra child will divide your time more. 

According to Forbes Magazine, already “couples with a child who has been diagnosed with ADHD (attention deficit disorder) are 22.7% more likely to divorce before their child turns eight than parents of a child without ADHD.” Therefore if you have a child who is high needs, then you would want to dedicate more time to strengthening your marriage. 

Personally, I never wanted to have a middle child

There is such a thing as a forgotten middle child. My second is the happiest kid on the block. If I had another, I could 100% see her becoming the last priority because of her personality and I don’t want to do that to her. However, I am sure there are some kids with personalities that would do well being in the middle.

So, take a moment and think about who your kids are and if adding another would work.

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How is your partner doing?

Let’s say you are doing well but maybe your significant other isn’t. Is their health good? Are they reaching their parenting limit? Their stress limit? Are they able to do self-care?

Remember that it is just as important that your other half wants another. While they might not be the one who is pregnant, adding another baby to the family will increase parenting demands on both parents. Getting divorced because of kids is a very real thing. 

According to Forbes Magazine, “a woman who wants a child or children much more strongly than her spouse is twice as likely to divorce as couples who agree on the number of children they want.” 

Do you have time for each other?

Having more babies changes how much time and energy you have for your other half. I never realized how being a mom would be so 24/7. It is so hard to find time to go out to dinner. Honestly, I even find it hard to catch up with each other at dinner or have a conversation that lasts more than a few minutes in the evening.

Now depending on your unique situation, this might not be the case for you. We don’t live near family so we can’t just drop kids off at Grandma’s to go out to dinner. 

Considerations About The Vaccine And Pregnancy

Taking a vaccine is also a personal decision you have to make for yourself. Since there are fetal risks if a mother is exposed to COVID-19, these are the options to think about if you are thinking of having another child during the pandemic.

1) Get the vaccine before pregnancy. Then wait a month or two before trying to get pregnant. This should cross out the vaccine as a potential risk to the baby. It will also ease your fears of catching the coronavirus at doctor visits and in the hospital.

2) Get pregnant before getting the vaccine. Then, don’t get the vaccine while pregnant. Instead, wait until after delivery for the mother to get the vaccine. By waiting until after delivery to get the vaccine, parents can cross out the vaccine as a potential risk to the baby in utero. Of course, you are free to get the vaccine while pregnant to.

3) Don’t get the vaccine before, during, or after. If the majority eventually get the vaccine, then your chances of getting COVID-19 declines.

The issue with getting the vaccine before getting pregnant is that you may have to wait for months. For women under 30 who have no fertility issues, waiting six months is not a big deal. However, for women over 35 or with fertility issues, time is more precious.

We don’t mind being in the back of the line to get the vaccine. However, my wife is also turning 41 in 2021. Therefore, our chances of conceiving are likely under 5%.

These are tough decisions every couple has to figure out on their own. The best person to consult with is probably your doctor. At the very least, it’s probably worth having the male partner get vaccinated to minimize the risk of contagion at home.

All these unknown variables are a reminder that if you want children, having children in your early 30s is probably best. Figuring out when to have more children is complicated enough. Doing so at an older age when biology may not cooperate can become very frustrating. Throw in a pandemic and then everything becomes one big crapshoot.

Going From Two To Three

Having a healthy third child would be amazing. I know I will never regret having him or her decades from now. My family can currently afford to have a third child. We’ve planned for one extensively by building up our passive income and going through various budgets.

If we successfully have a third child, we will have to buy a new vehicle with third-row seats and potentially a new house as well. We’d also have to set up another 529 plan and Roth IRA as well. These are all financial strains that can be overcome. Thankfully, siblings have preference for grade school admission.

With three children, unless we get full-time help, we will always have our hands full. Unfortunately, we have no family support in San Francisco, hence one of the reasons why we’d like to move to Hawaii.

For over 10 months, I’ve woken up by 5 am on average every morning to write and get all sorts of online business requests out before my kids wake up. I do so because writing when the kids are awake is impossible. Life would be easier if I could sleep in until 7 am or 8 am, but I biologically can’t after two decades of waking up earlier.

When preschool opens up in 2H2021, life should get better. However, while we are in the thick of child-raising, it’s hard to think about adding on even more responsibility.

Further, I don’t want to give up my writing. Writing is my joy. Writing helps me think through difficult situations. The harder life gets, the more defiant I get. I have a desire not to let bad situations get me down. However, like many of you, I’m mentally and physically exhausted.

Finally, after three years and nine months of being a stay at home dad, I’ve come to realize I’m not very good at being a dad. After about four hours of childcare, I start feeling restless. I don’t have the patience or endurance to take care of a child 8-12 hours a day. I want the freedom to do other things.

I’m constantly amazed at parents who enjoy taking care of children all day. Maybe it’s a guy thing, but all my friends who are fathers have full-time jobs. Therefore, they find childcare much easier.

5 Years Apart or More

The Playground Wisdom: There are big winners with this spacing. Your kids each get the benefits of being an only child—lots of individual attention—but also the companionship of a sibling, even if they're not super tight. Meanwhile, you get to focus on each child with more freedom. "I definitely feel like I'm getting to know my kids as individuals," says Mary Ann Guman, a mother of three from Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, who had an eight-year break between her firstborn and her second. Lisa Laurente, of Bakersfield, California, who has three kids—ages 12, 10, and 5—agrees: "A large gap between children has allowed me to cherish the moments I have with my youngest child."

The Highs: Like Cher on a comeback tour, you're a little older but smarter and more confident. "I'm not as frazzled as I was with my two older children," says Laurente. "I have a more patient take on parenting." Your partner will likely feel the same way too. As a couple, you've had years to practice being a united front for the kids while also making time for each other, so this spacing may be the easiest on your marriage. Your firstborn may get a boost too. Laurente says her older kids were mature enough to really pitch in. "They learned to be more independent and help each other."

Meanwhile, don't write off the buddy potential. "I didn't know whether a 4-year-old and 10-year-old would want to spend a lot of time together, but the kids play, and sometimes fight, like the best of friends," says Lachelle Nettles from Dripping Springs, Texas. Your little one gets a more sophisticated mentor than he would with a sibling closer in age. As they grow up together, the older child can help guide his younger sibling through the world of playground rules, schoolwork, cliques, and lots more.

The Lows: You're commuting every day between Kid Nation—with grade-school obligations and evening Little League—and Planet Baby, which requires that you carry a cubic ton of gear, and likely a fussy infant, everywhere you go. "It was quite an adjustment," says Laurente, of returning to diapers and naps after such a long break. "I didn't think about how exhausted I'd be trying to entertain a toddler while attending baseball games." That may mean less time and energy for baby-friendly "Mommy and Me" activities.

Financially, this spacing has some downfalls. Your stroller and car seat will be out-of-date, so you'll need all new gear.

Expert Wisdom: Forget jealous—your older child might act positively bitter. "The arrival of a new baby can be more difficult for someone who's been an only child for a long time," says Dr. Maholmes. "You have nine months to prepare him; use this time to talk about all the good and potentially tough changes coming."

Harmony-at-Home Tip: The baby will get plenty of the spotlight, so remember to dote on your former only. "Abby loves to read bedtime stories to her little sisters," says Guman, "but we also give her special privileges like letting her stay up a little later at night. She likes to just hang out with us."

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